The Pursuit of (fill in the blank here)

After running for 40 minutes and reading a mere 30 pages last night, I woke up today with a little apprehension about this rather large task at hand. (Hey, don't yell at me yet, my 100 minutes & pages challenge doesn't officially begin until tomorrow! Last night was just a warm up!) Then, on my 45 minute drive to work this morning, I was jamming to NPR as usual, listening to stories about the not so great state of the economy, the millions of workers still unemployed and how the job forecast is only barely, slightly better. I started to panic a little, it sounded something like this:

"What am I doing? My job is ending on Wednesday, which is not my choice but I am still very happy about it, and I don't have another job lined up yet! Ack! Stop this 100 days nonsense! Go fill out an application at Starbucks, Walmart, Target, Gap - anything just to make some money! You need mooonnnnneeeeeyyyyy!!!"

My pupils turned to dollar signs as I passed each big box store, wondering if they are hiring. Yes, I need money. We all do. Food, clothing, transportation and shelter are not free, nor should they be. Over the past 6 years working freelance in film, I have had these panics and conversations with myself at least 3 times a year, sometimes more depending on the length of the projects I was on. This has led me to say yes to almost everything thrown my way, regardless of whether or not I "wanted" to do it. I commuted to Houston for a month or so, working at a family friend's mortgage lending and credit repair business. I paid to put myself up in a suburb of Houston to work on a film, then did the same thing in Oklahoma - spending more money than I should have just for the sake of working, exhausting myself and my credit cards in the process. I hope this does not come across as whining, I have been very fortunate with work and am thankful for all my jobs, especially in a business that is very hot or very cold. My point is that my money insecurity gland kicks into high gear as soon as I don't know where my next paycheck will come from, overruling any other voices telling me to calm down, be patient, and pursue my own best life. I scramble and take the first thing offered to me, end up working insane hours doing something I don't love, or even like and wonder why I feel unfulfilled or worse. (For the record, I have never run out of money, never missed a rent payment or let any bills go unpaid. I have not always made the best decisions with my cash, but I am always responsible and do plan and save for the unknown times between jobs, like now.)

At what point is my health, happiness and well being worth more to me than a certain number in my bank account? Now. Is the security of getting a paycheck for another couple months worth more than taking the time to better myself? No, it is not. I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable. I have savings, I live frugally and I currently have a great, inexpensive living arrangement thanks to my awesome grandparents. Someday, I will find or create a job that provides me with both financial stability and fulfillment, but I don't yet know what that job is. This is the beginning of the next chapter in my life, the one where I am my number one priority and I follow my instincts, interests and pursue things that inspire and invigorate me; money will eventually follow.

The universe has a funny way of supporting you, literally and figuratively. I get daily emails containing "Notes from The Universe" and this what today's read:   

The pursuit of money, Kate, as a means to anything usually means (almost always means) that someone, somewhere, at least momentarily, has taken their "eye" off of what it is they really want.

Tricky that way, huh?

Yours,
    The Universe*


*If you have never heard of Notes from the Universe, I highly recommend you sign up for their daily emails. They are positive, fun little reminders that The Universe (or your higher power) is looking out for you. The creator, Mike Dooley has written a series of books, one of which I will be reading during the 100 Days.